It’s one thing to unshould yourself.
It’s another to stop shoulding everyone else.
Even when we liberate our own choices, we often keep trying to script others — expecting them to evolve, react, or understand on our timeline.
We call it “helping,” “guiding,” or “leading.” But beneath it all is the same force that drives every should: fear.
Fear that if people don’t behave as we expect, something in our world will fall apart.
The next level of freedom isn’t personal — it’s relational. It’s learning to stop managing others’ code.
The Hidden Cost of Expectation
Expectations are control mechanisms dressed up as care.
They let us feel safe — as long as others play their part.
When we think, “They should listen better,” or “They should be more ambitious,” what we’re really saying is, “My peace depends on their compliance.”
And that’s a fragile system.
The danger isn’t having standards; it’s confusing standards with outcomes.
Standards are about you. Outcomes are about them.
The more we collapse the two, the more our self-worth becomes entangled with other people’s behavior.
This plays out everywhere — in relationships, teams, families.
A partner doesn’t communicate the way you want.
An employee doesn’t move fast enough.
A friend doesn’t match your effort.
So you nudge, hint, correct, remind.
And under the banner of “support,” you slowly become a system administrator for someone else’s autonomy.
Why We Try to Control
Control isn’t always domination. Sometimes it’s disguised as empathy, guidance, or care.
But the underlying driver is the same: discomfort with uncertainty.
We project “shoulds” because we’re afraid of what happens if others don’t change.
- If they don’t grow, what does that say about us?
- If they don’t act logically, can we still trust our worldview?
- If they don’t choose us, was our effort wasted?
Most control is a defense against chaos. It’s the ego saying, “Please, stay predictable so I can stay safe.”
That’s why letting go of control isn’t weakness. It’s precision. It’s separating what’s yours to own from what’s yours to witness.
Leadership, friendship, and love all start to change when you realize: your peace isn’t their project.
Shifting from Control to Clarity
Freedom in relationships doesn’t mean detachment. It means clean boundaries and clear data.
When you stop forcing outcomes, you can finally see patterns.
You start interpreting people’s actions as information, not violation.
They’re not breaking your rules; they’re revealing their operating system.
That perspective is liberating — and deeply pragmatic.
Because once you stop trying to modify others’ code, you can decide how your system wants to respond.
A few frameworks help:
- The Expectation Audit: Write down the expectations you hold of someone close to you. For each, ask: Is this a standard I live by, or a behavior I’m demanding from them?
- The Let Go or Lean In Test: If I can’t accept this as it is, I have two choices — change myself, or leave the system. “Fix them” isn’t an option.
Unshoulding others doesn’t mean tolerating misalignment. It means observing clearly enough to choose intelligently.
Leading Without Should
In leadership, this skill is power.
When you stop expecting others to fit your map, you start designing systems that align with reality instead of resistance.
You stop saying, “They should be more proactive,” and start asking, “What system made reactivity the path of least resistance?”
You stop micromanaging behavior and start engineering environments that make the right actions effortless.
That’s what real leadership — and real love — share:
A commitment to clarity over control.
A trust in data over drama.
A respect for freedom on both sides of the equation.
Unshoulding others is the ultimate form of respect.
It says: I trust you to live your own code.
And if our systems no longer align, I’ll adapt mine — not rewrite yours.
Because the goal of freedom isn’t independence.
It’s integrity.
Laurie Stach 